Monday, 17 May 2010

I am a Very Bad Blogger...


Naughty Child by Edwin Henry Landseer


...and I will go sit in a corner and think about what I have done ~ or rather, what I haven't been doing! I have been so remiss with my blogging, only doing the bare minimum; I just seem to have lost my blogging mojo ~ or perhaps...hopefully...it is only temporarily mislaid and I will soon be rambling away once more :-)

Actually, my blog is something of a reflection of my life at the moment: simply doing just enough to keep ticking over. I look outside at all the new growth of flowers, shrubs, trees ~ and oh, how I long for my life to be growing too. Instead, I am in that rather overshadowed place of not quite going backwards but certainly not moving forward either. I am treading water once again and I don't like it. I have been in this place far too many times before and I am tired of making the return journey over and over again!

Oh yes, certainly I realise that treading water is good at certain times in your life. It gives you time to take stock, to step back a little to get a clearer picture, to evaluate what you have done so far and where you would like to go next. But far too frequently, my treading water experiences are more akin to desperately clinging to an-inadequate-for-the-job piece of flotsam, in an attempt to keep afloat and not sink beneath the waves of my life!

I am still here, though, aren't I? I haven't totally disappeared beneath those waves; I still keep floating back to the surface rather than sinking into the depths. Perhaps this is simply a season in my life ~ a sort of mid-life crisis maybe? My 49th birthday is only three weeks away and I can feel myself being pulled far too quickly towards 50.

It seems such a momentous birthday, my 50th, far more so than when I turned 40. I wonder why? Maybe because 50 will be taking me into an "older" phase of my life? I have a growing sense of my finite lifespan, a sense that there may not be enough time left to "live" as opposed to simply "existing". Oh, please don't get me wrong! I am not expecting to drop down dead any minute now but I am for the first time in my life very much aware that I ~ like everyone else ~ simply have no idea whatsoever how many years I have ahead of me and life feels more important, somehow, the older I get.

Of course, I would like to think that I have a good many years left to enjoy life ~ in which case, do I really want to live those remaining years in the same way that I have done so far? I guess the answer to that question is a resounding "no", otherwise I wouldn't even be having this conversation with you, dear readers, would I?

So, I have a little over a year until the hands of time reach that biggie-for-me 50th birthday. One year to turn my life around and start living the way I truly want to...one year to decide just what shape I want my life to have...one year to not just make plans but to actually put the wheels in motion!

One year...

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