Saturday, 7 May 2011
I realise, sweetie~pies, that I have been somewhat conspicuous by my absence here ~ well, with "proper" posts at any rate. The truth is that I have been feeling so very low again these past few weeks with a just-can't-be-bothered attitude *sigh* I found myself crying over Amber this morning; I miss her so much and even though we have Daisy, the house still feels strangely empty.
Any thoughts I had about losing weight have flown out the window, along with the get-up-and-go I had been feeling about getting the house and garden straightened out. It seems that the closer I get to my 50th birthday (on 6th June), the worse I am feeling ~ how daft is that! It's just a number after all but somehow everything feels horrible, to be honest. I feel like I have wasted so many years of my life and realistically I know that I have far less left ahead of me than have already passed by. You'd think, wouldn't you, that would be the spur to get on and "live" my life but instead I'm still sitting around moping and brooding over all that's gone wrong or been unpleasant in years past. I don't like it here in this self-made rut but somehow it's more comfortable than climbing out into the unknown.
On the other hand, the thought of spending the next 10, 20, 30 or however many years I have left living like this fills me with even more dread! The question is, though, just how do I get myself out of this hole that I have dug? You see, the picture above is how I would like to picture myself ~ happy with who I am and skipping through whatever life throws my way. Unfortunately, I seem to have cultivated a persona of depression and low self-esteem. Looking back with honesty, I can see that the low self-esteem is something that started way back in my childhood but I have allowed myself to let it take over my life and dictate the way I live. Which is how I believe the depression has arisen. Feeling that you are a horrible, fat, worthless person simply does not go hand-in-hand with being a happy, jolly and contented woman!
One thing is for sure: if I am ever to live a happy and contented life, then it is all down to me and my attitude. I can choose to carry on the way I have done for these past many years ~ in which case I will continue to feel like crap for the rest of my life. Or I can give myself a bloody good shake, pick myself up, dust myself down and make a concerted effort to change how I think and how I live.
It's not going to be an easy ride, I know, because old habits are so very hard to break. But I simply have to get stuck in and start that climb up out of this unhappy place in which I am currently living. I have come to the conclusion that actually, I want to live my life rather than just exist in it.
So the approach to my 50th birthday is indeed a turning point on my life-journey ~ and I am choosing to follow a different path.....